By DR JIMMY SPIRE SSENTONGO, The Observer, 2017-07-24

How to drive a car with a UG number plate

All along, I have been living under the deception that order on public roads is an important thing.

Lately, I have been rudely awakened to the Orwellian idea that some road users should be more equal than others. Of course, as they say, nothing sucks more than that moment in an argument when you realise you are wrong. But with the passion of a new convert, I will now advise.

Do you drive a government car with a UG number plate? If yes, I would want to add some little more education to what you could have learnt from driving school, if at all you went there. You don’t have to pay me for this; I am your servant anyway and basically an object far from important.

The first thing you should learn is that you own the road; the rest are encroachers without any entitlement. This conviction should guide your entire road behaviour. You are entirely free to drive as you wish, just like you would in a village football pitch. Whatever your important brain suggests is absolutely your right.

Remember that you are driving a government car, and that government stands for power and might. I am sure you feel that exhilarating power when you are behind that steering wheel, like a monkey feels while holding a tree branch.

When you accelerate, don’t you feel like other road users owe you a round of applause? Some think you are high on an illegal herb; they don’t know! They underestimate the cocktail of power and an arid brain.

If that car gets a dent from a knock, especially when you knock these other stupid ordinary road users who refuse to give way to you, your indispensable highness, taxpayers’ money is available to fix it. Don’t worry at all, your majesty the UG driver, as the Basoga say, “esente diriwo” (money is there).

Your car has a huge guard in front, how will you test its strength if you don’t knock something? Accelerate, brother, hit something – be it a pavement or a living thing. Some of those driving and walking things may spill a red liquid when you knock them, but don’t trust that it is blood. It’s dilute tomato sauce!

And even if it is blood, who authorised them to carry it?

While other road users will have to be cautious about traffic police, you have almost nothing to worry about. Those officers fear you. Hihihi! They will only wave at you, or even salute. Besides, they know you for coughing nothing, apart from real cough. And if they fine you, is it personal liability? Which dog would bite its tail?

You are the king of the road. It’s all yours to exploit and subdue. If anyone doesn’t seem to see that your numbers and letters are red, hoot, brother, hoooooot. Press the damn horn. It doesn’t consume any fuel, sound it. Let it go loud like piiiiiiiiiiii piiiiiiii piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. All will turn, notice your mighty presence, and give way. Useless trespassers!

Getting trapped in traffic jam is not for you, sir. How can you accept to be delayed from attending to your most important work when there are pavements?

That is the reason most government cars are raised, to allow you to easily climb those spaces that pedestrians call theirs. Utilize the 4×4 function, don’t waste national resources.

Now this goes to those with escort cars/convoys. My brothers and sisters, do you know how important you are? Do you know that everywhere you pass, there is an invisible mass of angels prostrating at the glory of your being? So, let these lousy mortals quickly give way. With speed and sirens, make them panic; they will fall aside.

They pretend to be going somewhere, yet they are simply loitering around aimlessly – like insects. Why don’t they just stay home instead of making our roads pointlessly busy?

And, as I told you in the article “If I was an African president, I wouldn’t leave power either”, those people have sinister motives. They do not like their good leaders. They think they can trap your bosses in traffic jam and then execute their evil plans. Don’t ever trust them.

This is Uganda, not those irresponsible countries where leaders can be allowed to ride bikes, walk or drive without convoys. Once again; esente diriwo, baba!

When you travel to your village, don’t hesitate to load that car with all you want on your way back – bananas, firewood, stones, charcoal, soil, timber, name it. It has strong shock absorbers and, in any case, if it breaks down, government will always fix it. The taxpayer is not yet dead. At your functions, it can be used to run here and there to pick this and that.

I have tried to be diplomatic in my counsel. And if you have listened to Caskie Stinnett, I believe you know that a diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

I am told the road to hell has heavy traffic too, but there you are allowed to speed and overtake. Reach safely, with that passenger of yours in the backseat whom we can’t accuse of anything because all he/she did was to remain silent as you drove like I advised.

Lest I forget, as I end this lesson, dear UG drivers, first test all the advice given above in your own compound and with a car bought from your own money. Make sure you will be the only casualty in case your wisdom goes wrong. With love, from your sincere victim!